Tuesday, February 19, 2013


We lost a baby this weekend.  I had a miscarriage.

Last week was a hard week.  {Understatement.}  If you have read my last few posts, you already know that.  My week was filled with blood tests, prayers, hopes, and eventually loss.

I have debated about addressing this open wound in my heart in this public forum...and today I decided to take the jump and share.  Not many women talk about the loss of a pregnancy, but amazingly, when I did...I realized just how many women have felt the pain I am feeling.  Felt the loss I have realized.  If it was not for the help of some of these amazing women over the course of the last week or so, I would not be coping the way that I am.  Women helping women.  I love that.  That is why I needed to share.

I have always appreciated the amazingly healthy pregnancies that brought me my two greatest gifts, Myles Jacob and Jillian Kate.  Yet, now, after experiencing something other than a perfectly healthy pregnancy...I realize a whole other view point.

I'm sure over time I will share more of my feeling about the loss of a tiny baby, with dreams that will never be realized.  The mess of emotions that comes with the experience.  The faith necessary to let go of the worry and leave it up to God as you wait to lose something that you want and love with all of your heart.  All the while, still hoping for that tiny sliver of a chance that the doctors could be wrong.  Nothing to do...just wait...

Then, it happens.  Again, it is not in your control.  Nothing is in your control.  All those pregnant feelings leave your body and the physical and emotional pain is overwhelming and draining.

The hardest part was telling my children.  The excitement about a little brother or sister had been pure delight.  I was amazed at the amount of joy they had for our pending fifth family member.  So I knew, they would be devastated about the loss...just like I was.  And I had to tell them.  I did my research and decided how we would break the news to them.  I can't tell you my exact words, but the analogy I used was that of a garden.  In a garden, we plant seeds.  Sometimes they grow and sometimes they don't.  The baby was like a seed that God planted.  Our baby didn't grow.  This concept was very easy for my kids to understand.  In fact, Myles was one step ahead of me through the discussion and he could immediately tell what that meant.  Tears from my children over the loss are the tears that sting on my own face.

We continue to have open dialogue as the kids want to discuss the baby that we lost.  I can see them healing.  I can see them hopeful that one day we may receive another gift from God.

I am so thankful for the amazing support system that I have.  An amazing husband, family, and friends. I am thankful.

I also want to hand over the opportunity for other to share their experiences.  Women helping women.  Feel free to comment below, or contact me to discuss how you can share.


  1. No words will help you heal from your loss. I have had three miscarriages and heartache is an understatement. Time will heal your wounds and have faith and courage that the next one you will be blessed.

  2. This little one will always have a special place in your hearts and ours too. Our love is with always & forever!!!

  3. Niki, I understand the loss you are going through and am sorry you and the family have to go through it. I too had a miscarriage between Val and Ryan. Please know that my thoughts are with you, Ben and the kids. Take care and let me know if there is anything that I can do. Aunt Sherry

  4. We suffered a miscarriage between our second and third child. Telling the kids was harder than realizing it myself. It hurts like no other loss. I felt the worst for Eric. He was hurting too, but he had to be strong for the kids. We both lost our baby, but not many people would ask him how he was doing. I can also remember going to church and seeing a pregnant friend. I was so hurt. Not that she was pregnant, but that God had taken our baby. I know one of your good friends just had a cute little girl, I wish I could make seeing Claire less painful. Hugs

    1. Thank you so much to everyone for sharing. Shanna, luckily for me, cuddling with Claire was one of the best parts of my weekend last weekend. Cherishing the miracle of a baby. :)

  5. Nicole, I'm so sorry for your loss. It is nice to see that you have such a wonderful support system. Have you visited Kimmy shares her journey with loss here (there is a link on her about me page) and she has developed quite a community of support. Sending well wishes & positive thoughts to you & your family <3

    1. Yes! I love Kimmie and her posts were very helpful to me...validating my feelings. Thanks for the suggestion and following me! :)


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