Year of Sustainment

I'm not exactly sure how many, "New Year: New You" posts, articles, and status updates I have seen in this first week of the new year, but there have been quite a few.  Certainly the beginning of the year brings a fresh beginning, new journeys to travel, and sometimes even resolutions to fulfill.  This year for me, I have decided (at least what is within my control), is not necessarily a year of change for me, it is a year of sustainment.  I plan to settle in and enjoy all of the changes that have already taken place for me.  I love that the new year brings reflection on the year in review and looking forward to what is to become in 2015.

Last year was a year of change for me.  Big changes.  For our whole family.  The kind of change that takes a few weeks to come out of the haze and whirlwind around you to realize what is going on in the rest of the world.  Of course, in February, we welcomed our sweet Stella Rose into the world.  Immediately, she fit right into the puzzle like the missing piece that was needed to complete the picture on the puzzle box of our little family.  The "newborn haze" was amazingly very short this go-round.  Certainly not because I have the hang of this baby thing down, because frankly, we never really have the hang of that.  Each baby is so different, challenging, and special in their own way.  Rather, Stella just decided to make the transition super easy on us.  She must just love being in our little family so much, she wanted to fit right in.  :)  As usual, maternity leave whizzed by and before I knew it, it was time to return to work.  It is so interesting to think back at that corporate-minded woman and mother that I was just a few short months ago.  I have changed.  A lot.  I have grown.

In August, I made a huge leap and left my reliable and comfortable corporate role and went out on my own, consulting.  Full Bloom Market Development was born and my career as a consultant began.  Starting your own business changes everything around you and your daily life.  Not to mention, it changes you.  Being on your own without the umbrella and shelter of an employer brings a vulnerability that I have never experienced before.  Will anyone be interested in hiring me?  Will they like my work?  Can I hack it? Will I make enough to do what I need to do?  Am I prepared enough?  Am I good enough?  The only thing even remotely relatable in my life prior to taking my leap, was pressing publish on my very first post on this little blog.  And even then...it was my husband that posted it to Facebook...without telling me first.  The most awesome thing comes out of that vulnerability.  Confidence.  Over those first few months, working with clients large and small, I began to see that I could answer the questions.  I could help make their businesses even more successful.  I could do this on my own.  I could even figure out how to handle my taxes.  I love that the vulnerability and confidence is a never ending cycle.  Everyday the vulnerability shows it's face in new challenges, new customers, and my own inner psyche.  Most days, the confidence can find some sort of rooting to pull me through it.

So, 2014 was amazing.  I loved it.  It was one of my favorite years.  I am so thankful.

2015...I want to continue to grow and embrace my vulnerability.  I want to show my children through example that you can control your own career if that is what you want to do.  I want to enjoy and love every minute of Myles, Jillian, and Stella that I can get.  I want to work in Jillian's classroom, playing sight word BINGO with her and all her little classmates.  I want to support Myles in all of his ambitious ideas and plans.  I want to treasure and savor all of Stella's firsts...my last set.  Oh, and maybe show a little more patience...especially when we are in a hurry, leaving, or in the presence of bickering children.  Well, I'll try.  I can't promise that I will write here as often as I used to...time seems so short between three littles, their activities, and running a business...but I will try and post more often than I have been.  Thank you to the two readers that sent me messages requesting a post this week.  This one is for you!  Just a little inside scoop, I've been blogging all along, just under the pen name of different companies.



 

The photos...are completely unrelated to this post.  But, I love pictures...and these were a few of my favorites this holiday season.  Wishing you your best year yet. 

P.S.  I think this photo is my favorite of the season.  It captures one of my favorite moments.  A sleeping baby in my arms, sitting back watching my family have a blast playing Christmas Minute to Win It.  She slept through all of the fun.

Here's My Sign...

As adults we make decisions all day long.  Everyday decisions that shape our days.  What do I wear?  Should I run this morning, or hope I have motivation later tonight?  What should I pack in the kids' lunches?  Should they get the flu shot?  What baby food should I make for Stella?  Some decisions are small, and some decisions are huge.  Yet, both big and small, they all have an impact on our days.

I had been having an internal debate with myself for quite a while on one of those really colossal decisions.  You know those kind of internal arguments that you can see both sides of the decision and go over it in your head day after day…after day…still never coming to a resolution?  Yeah, one of those.  I was weighing the decision to leave my corporate job.  You see, I've always liked having…well…let's just call them "options".  Despite the fact that I had been at the same employer since the day I graduated college, over the years I had obtained my real estate license (you know, in case I ever wanted to turn my House Hunter's obsession into a career), and created a LLC for a marketing consulting business, should I ever want to leave my employer.  I had that dream of being a marketing consultant, working for multiple companies everyday, yet working for myself .  

Making a decision that size can weigh you down.  Thousands of questions (at least the way my brain works) are associated with that type of a decision.  So, I set up the company, created a website, and continued my internal debate.  For months.  I guess you could say I was waiting for a sign.  A sign from God that it was the right thing to do.  A sign that I would be successful on my own.  A sign that companies would be interested in what I have to offer.  A sign that I could continue to contribute to my family's finances, doing what I wanted to do.  And then….one day I got my sign.  I am so grateful for my so very supportive husband (and entrepreneur himself).  He helped me READ my sign.  It was staring me in the face and it was Ben who figuratively hit me over the head with it.  It was my time to jump.  And so…after 12 years...I left.  I left my reliable, comfortable, corporate career.  I haven't looked back since.

It's been a month.  Exactly a month ago was my last day in Corporate America.  Since then, it has been a whirlwind of freedom and success.  I love it.  Just like God sent me the sign to leave, he has blessed me with dozens of gifts.  Beautiful little packages that present themselves in amazing ways.  Opportunities to work in different companies in different ways…so challenging and fulfilling at the same time.  Clients that came and continue to come forward, interested in my work.  And frankly, more work that I could have ever imagine I would be able to obtain in just a month.  One of my favorite gifts...the opportunity to work an occasional school lunch without a scheduling nightmare, or take the kids to the beach right after school, or simply play with Stella on the floor.  Oh, and that gift that is extra fun?  The work doesn't feel so much like work when it is your own.

It's so odd to me…yet so fun...that this blog started as a blog about balancing the scales between a corporate career and young children.  Navigating my way…finding my balance (if there really is such a thing).  Now, I find myself in a whole new world.  A world of working for myself.  Building a business.  Sustaining and caring for my family.  All in a day's work.  I am a mother…a professional…a wife…a friend...and a caregiver.  Every day, shoot…every hour, those roles are shuffled and mixed.  My work may have completely changed, but my roles have not.  They are the roles I am meant to fulfill.

If you are interested in more information about my new consulting business, you can check out my website here.

Life As We Know It Lately...

I'm having a hard time remembering when life was a busy as it is right now…  It seems as if we have slipped into a routine of working days, whirlwind evenings, and weekends that are missing the downtime that we are used to.  I thought a little tour around my house might give you an idea…

We have a kitchen under construction…again.  I guess the counters and backsplash just didn't do the trick.  Hopefully the painter will be able to put this project to rest before the end of the week.  For whatever reason, having painting paper on my counters, no doors on my cabinets, and my drawers on my counter makes me feel…just like that…like my drawers are on the counter…if you know what I mean.

We finally finished a month-long project of painting our entry and all hallway trim white with gray walls.  I love it.  It was worth it.  Well, now that it is done, it was worth it.  Good thing I'm not writing this on one of the many nights I was complaining about having to work on it.

Despite the construction zone, traditions must be kept in tact and Christmas arrived at our house in regular style the day after Thanksgiving.
                                  

Haven't seen much of my feet lately.  I'm happy to report though, that I am still able to wear heels just fine.  Something has to draw attention other than this giant belly!  Visions of middle names swirl in my head every evening.  The first name is a lock, but for whatever reason we are just having a hard time committing to that middle name.  I need to come up with something to use when she gets in trouble!

Despite how crazy-busy we have been, I have tried so hard to keep my focus on family.  Dinners together in a jumbled up kitchen, shopping for adopt-a-family together, reading new books, cuddling on the couch, and tiny little hands on my belly, waiting for a kick from their sister.

I can see my kids changing before my eyes.  Myles is turning seven next week and he is a kid.  Literally, a school-aged kid with his own opinion on everything, his own way to do things, and his own little life he is living.  Jillian seems to have changed so much in the last three weeks or so, I find Ben and I making eye contact in agreed disbelief as we listen to her thoughts on whatever subject is the current hot topic on her mind.  She is so independent, responsible, and frankly we can see the "kindergarten shift" happening before our eyes.  Our little girl is ready for new adventures and I can't believe we are so close to those changes.

And…then I think about starting all over again with this tiny (actually not so tiny according to her last ultrasound) little girl.  It is scary and comforting all at the same time.  Scary that we are entering the baby phase all over again, this time with two active and vibrant older siblings.  Comforting that we have another new life to care for and watch as she goes through the stages that her siblings have discovered before her.  We are not done with those sweet baby days.  We have one more set of them to enjoy.  Luckily, Myles and Jillian couldn't be more excited for the baby's arrival.

I guess this post turned into a jumble of thoughts (what's new I guess).  My point is, as the holiday season is upon us, we are all busy.  I certainly don't recommend more than one home improvement project during this time of year, but either way…we all have extra things on our to-do list as we prepare for the holidays.  My goal this season is to enjoy every minute of the craziness.  Soak in all of our special traditions that make this season special in the first place.  I want to remember the reason for the season and make sure that my kids have their focus in the right place as we approach Christmas.  We may be crazy-busy, but we are crazy-good and I'm so thankful.  (Just please don't remind me that I need to bring all the baby clothes up from the basement to get ready…that can wait until after Christmas, right? :)

This Mother's Little Black Book.

Last night Ben went down to the basement to do something and came up with a black notebook.  We used it as a communication notebook anytime anyone watched Myles when he was a little guy.  I remember Ben making fun of me for saving it (and many other little things like it that he must have missed).  It was so fun to read.  Page by page Myles looked through it and read things about his daily life as a 12 month old.  It was awesome.  It also reminded me how wonderful our nanny was for so many years of his life.  From age one to five, one day a week she would come and play, teach, and love him like her own little brother or nephew.  Then, of course, Jillian joined our family and she loved and cared for her just like Myles.  Priceless.  Anyway, I am totally diverging from my point...if I ever have one.

Look at this note.  I wrote one every week.  Like a baby manual, you can read through each daily novel for his quirky habits lately, what I was worried about, or what I prescribed for him to eat that day.  Every detail was accounted for...and if it wasn't in this week's note, check back a few weeks, I bet there is something about what you are wondering.  Neurotic.

Eventually, the notes turned to condensed handwritten versions of the initial night-before typed manuals.  I actually can remember stressing one night at 11pm, because I had not typed instructions yet.  By the time Jillian came along, the hand-written version was absolutely fine with me.  She was younger, but I had relaxed.

With both kids, I remember stressing about various things throughout their baby year.  Both kids hated drinking from a bottle and I would worry they were starving on my days away for work.  That was always my biggest stress.  Yet, throughout those baby years, there was always something for me to worry about.  Shots.  Solid foods.  Accidents.  You know, mom worries.

Do I still worry about my kids?  Of course.  In some ways, it is different though.  They are strong.  They are their own little people.  Now my worries focus more on keeping them safe and helping them be everything that they can be.

As I prepare for number three, I wonder if I will go back to my neurotic ways, or if I will be able to relax and enjoy my last baby experience .  I certainly have relaxed throughout the last six, almost seven years.  It is not for lack of love or care.  It must simply be attributed to experience in my "role".  Like a job that you have been in for a few years.  You know what you are doing.  Confident.  You have handled so many situations previously.

This time around, I also have little witnesses.  Myles and Jillian, who I know will be eager and willing helpers around the baby.  I want them to be comfortable.  I want Jillian to watch her mother, mothering a baby.  They learn so much from watching...more than I could ever tell her.  I want Myles to learn about caring for a baby.  Someday, I hope a wife will appreciate his baby appreciation.

So, my goal...to roll with the punches.  To try and not let the neurotic version of myself go into overdrive.  We'll see how it goes.

School Talks.

I've sure been missing all of you lately.  Just when I think I'm done being all sorts of BLEH, I get sick again.  Isn't this all supposed to be done by now?!?  My belly button is flat and tending towards protruding already.  Enough with the "morning" sickness!!  :)

First day of First Grade.

Anyway, we have been loving this back to school season.  Who doesn't love sharpened pencils (hello??  Did you see they were selling them already sharpened this year?!?), new lunchboxes, crayons, markers, pencil boxes, and new friends to greet each morning.

Myles has had many new adventures, including riding the bus to school, a desk that actually opens, and another wonderful teacher to help mold his eager love of learning again this year.

Open house day at Preschool

Today Jillian started her final year of preschool.  She woke up with a confident smile and was ready for the day.  Ready to see some of her old friends, make new friends, and do the things that Jillian does.

Bus waiting buddies

Everyday that I pick the kids up from school there is a battle...who gets to tell all about their day first.  Today was no different, but Jillian took the first spotlight, since it was her first day.  I heard all about the friends she sits by, who pushed who, who finished their lunch last, and how thirsty (read in an exasperated voice) she was on the ride home.  She didn't write her name on the sign in sheet because it wasn't out yet today...her show and tell day will be Monday...and her hair is up because she got too hot with it down.  You know, all of the important details.  I love hearing each and every one of them.  I'm not with her during her day, but her full descriptive account helps me feel that I was. First day of preschool...a success.

Everyday, in between meetings, spreadsheets, and emails, I glance at the clock and think about where Myles is and what he is doing... I wonder if Jillian liked the note in her lunch today... I am hopeful that they ate their lunches, made new friends, and that they were a good friend to someone that needed it....oh yeah, and that they learned something.  No matter where I am, they are always on my mind.  So, when I get the full download in the car about who Myles played with on the playground and how his teacher was "yapping at these kids that were not being good in class today" on the way home, my heart is happy...my questions answered.  We are back together after a long day.  Content.

Riding her bike to pick up Myles at the bus stop.

Can I Plan On Having It All?

I don’t have a hard time prioritizing.  I am a planner.  I live by my schedule and I facilitate the social calendars of two littles, coordinate my meeting schedule at work, and figure out when I will have a chance to make cupcakes for school.  Planning and prioritizing is my thing.  I’ll get my deliverable done, make the decision, or whatever I need to get done…and it will be on time.

So, I can’t believe my Type-A, over-planning self is having such a hard time with what I want.  What do I want?  Seriously, why can’t I answer this question?

Many evenings I sit and fret about what I am missing at home with Jillian.  I so dearly miss my two weekdays a week at home with her.  Dearly.  Working full-time, suddenly every change involves constantly finagling the schedule.  A doctor’s appointment?  What used to be no big deal is now a juggling act to work out.  Ben took Jillian to the doctor for the first time last week.  I skipped it entirely.  My meeting schedule just couldn’t be worked out.  Sure, it’s not that big of a deal.  He is more than capable.  But, you know, as with so many other things, I let it eat away at my mom confidence.

Then, I have my work.  I have a work-mode and I frankly don’t understand how these two halves of myself are so vastly different.  While I am actually at work, I find myself thinking forward to the next potential position, how I can further my career, and what development activities I can complete to catapult me to the next level…

Exactly how does this fit together?  I don’t get it.  After losing the baby last February, I was devastated.  I wanted a third baby with all of my heart.  I still do.  Every month that passes I am more and more sad and frustrated that my “plan” didn’t work out.  Silly isn’t it?  That isn’t something you can plan.  I have absolutely no control.

You know what my plan was?  You want full disclosure?  My plan was to go back to work full time, have a baby, and go back to part-time.  That was it in a nutshell.  So as not to mislead my employer, I was completely up-front about my plan.  They were cool with it.  Full time for as long as it was possible was fine with them.

It didn’t work out how I wanted it to.  I set myself up.  Duh.  I can’t plan everything.  The big things in life...the important things...are never planned.  Not by us, anyway.  God has the Franklin planner on that one.  I don’t write the entries.  I made a Rookie mistake assuming that I had the decision-making ability to carry out my plan.  So, I get grumpy. I get frustrated that I am working full time, with no “plan” progression as intended.  Ask Ben, he hears it.

So...I wait.  And in my antsiness (I know this isn’t really a word – I made it up) to end this waiting period in my life…I wonder…  Do I try to put into motion the potential to further my career with the possibility of backing myself into a corner where returning to part time just isn’t an option?  Did we lose the baby because God doesn’t have that in the plan book for us?  What dreams do I want more?  The dream to be home with my babies?  Or, the career aspirations that I have worked towards for the last eleven years?  

I’ll be honest, I’m not sure that I am really capable of “having it all”.  What the hell does that really mean anyway?  Have it all?   Define “all” for me please.  Is it what I have now?  An awesome family?  A great job?  Does it mean making it to the end of the day with most things on the list accomplished?  Is it simply, happiness?  Does it mean you are always striving for the next job and have the happy family at home too?  What does it really mean?  For me, a higher position and a new baby?  I may be good, but I’m not so sure I’m that good.  Is it a one or the other option for me?  I likely could get both jobs done…just not the way I want to do them.  So does that mean I shouldn’t try and progress my career because someday I could be blessed with another baby? 

I love this family that I have already been given.  Our little family of four is quite amazing.  I’m not exactly sure why the little voice in my head keeps singing for another little set of ten fingers and ten toes.  I’m completely happy listening to that calling for that third potential miracle, but then why the heck does that other demanding and competitive voice drive me towards pushing for more responsibilities and a new challenge at work.  I can’t do it all.  So why can’t I prioritize? What do I want?

I don’t have all the answers and this rant that is hard to even follow doesn’t help.  Well, it does help to blow it all off and let the words fall, but it doesn’t get me any closer to knowing what to do.  What to aim for.  How to prioritize my dreams. 

My plan?  I think it is time to let someone else plan everything for me.  Something I should have had the intelligence to know from the start.  I don’t really have the control anyway.  Time to let go.  What will be…will be.  Time to let go.  If I keep saying that it will sink in, right?

Sunday Nights.

I'm not ready for Monday.  Not ready at all.  I would love a Monday (this Monday) to sleep in a little (till like...730).  We would drop Myles off at school and I would spend the day with Jillian, planning her birthday party.  We would greet Myles off the bus as he skips up the driveway, relaying the stories of his day.

No go on those pipe dreams.  Instead, I'll be in the office by seven...working.

It seems like my feelings on this whole full-time gig ebb and flow so drastically.  Some days, I feel like I could conquer the world. Happy kids, great day at work, dinner ready before Ben gets home...all of it.  Then, other days, I feel overwhelmed and left wondering how I am going to get everything done that I need to do in the next 24 hours.  Those are the days that Ben can sense the storm brewing and orders a pizza, while I load the kids' plates with fruits and veggies to try and make up for the fact that the pizza is on it's way...rather than dinner in the oven.

Celebrate the wins.  Enjoy the moment.  Celebrate the wins.  Yada. Yada. Yada.

Sunday nights are different now.  They have five jam-packed days ahead of them.  My weekends have shrunk in the wash - which I now do on the weekends (something I previously had rarely had to "waste" precious weekend time doing).

Tonight this post was intended to be a pep talk (to myself).  For whatever reason, I need it tonight.  I'm feeling quite lazy and haven't quite gotten around to the pep part of the talk, have I?

I guess I'll settle on watching This is 40 for the second time this weekend.  Monday will be here in a few hours, no matter what way I look at it.  Might as well roll with it.  How's that for a pep talk?!?

Bring it on Monday!  I can tackle you.

Focus on the Victories.

I ran outside tonight.

I ran in 40 degree rain.  It felt good.  I was freezing, but it felt good...and such a nice change from the boring treadmill.  I saw the frozen over lake, the rain in the puddles on the ground, melted snow rushing the drains, my feet hitting the pavement with each step, and my mind immersed in thought.

I needed the time.  Time to sort through the jumble of things in my head.  I suppose that would take a lot longer than a run, but it's a start.

I have talked to a few moms lately with a recurring conversation theme...

It is so hard to raise a family, work full-time, nurture a marriage, and succeed at all of it.  

It is so easy to feel like...

I suck at raising a family, working full-time, and nurturing a marriage. 

When you are juggling (which I can't), I would assume that the more items you have in the air...the harder it is.  We are all juggling a number of things going on in life...from a project at work, a sink full of dishes, or an emotional hardship.  They all add up.  They all take mind-space.  (Sidebar Warning...when jugging a lot of things like this...DO NOT STEP ON A SCALE.  It will only make things worse.)

I feel so sad to hear from these wonderful women that they feel like they are failing.  Yet, I know exactly how they feel.  As I listen to the conversation, I can understand exactly where each and every word shared it coming from.  I feel that.  I understand that.  I find myself telling the other women that they are not at all failing and that they are exactly what they need to be for their family...because you are you.  You are their mom.  You are his wife.  You are what they need.  I can say the words.  Internalizing them is much harder.

Tonight when I put the kids in bed, we went through our usual routine.  Baths, brushing teeth, books (usually one, but tonight we read two), prayers, and songs.  Afterwards, I retreated to the living room to clean up one of the largest forts that they have ever built.  Tent city is a more accurate description.  For whatever reason, I went back up to talk to Myles.  His little (toothless) smile over the edge of the bed, knobby knees tucked tight into his covers, and his damp hair tousled around his face just warmed my heart.  I told him how much I loved him.  He already knew.  Victory.

Next, I headed into Jillian's room.  In her own bossy (read: special) little way, she quizzed me on if I had put her Teddy Bear, snow pants, and boots in her backpack.  I had.  Passed another kid test with an A.

I'm gonna pack these two victories in the win column.  And...it's on to another day.  I've decided that focusing on the victories is the best thing I can do.  Feeling like the balls are all falling around me won't help.  It will just lessen my patience and weaken me.  Time to focus on the victories.  One day at a time.  One win at a time.  Bring on Tuesday.

Vacation Day

Myles was...thrilled.

Today, I took a vacation day.  It's Wednesday.  I used to be off every Wednesday.  Last week, I had a rough week.  I emailed Ben and (in a slightly whiny written voice) about never having a day off anymore to do fun things with my kiddies.  His answer... "Plan a vacation day."  Duh!  Not sure why it took him telling me what to do to think of that.

The day didn't start out exactly as we imagined.  A snow day kept us home from Jillian's field trip ice skating.  The bright side?  Myles was home for the day with us!!  Bonus!  After three calls to different ice skating rinks in the area, we found an open skate and planned our day around it.  We made our own field trip for the day.

The kids have never been skating.  They had these grandiose ideas of figure eights and gliding on the ice.  Jillian had planned to "step, step, glide".  Yeah, sure...  And...well...I'm not exactly graceful...in shoes, let alone skates.  We managed to last all of 15 minutes.  In fact, I think it took longer to lace up our skates than we spent on the ice.  They had no supports for tiny tots, so Myles was dependent on the wall and I held both of Jillian's hands.  Myles fell a dozen times at least.  It was so adorable to watch his little skates do a cartoon style run trying to stay balanced...falling every time.  We chalked it up to a fail.  We'll try again some other time.

Then, it was on to the Children's Museum.  There was a new Africa exhibit and we spent the entire time there.  Here are a few pictures...

Myles loved watching himself on the camera and he drummed and natives danced.

 Scooter with chickens headed for a market anyone?

 Not even sure what to say about this picture...

 Jillian was so engrossed in imaginary play in this exhibit...like I have never seen her before.

 She made food at this fire pit for at least an hour.  Love the skirt.  It was women's sized wrapped around her tiny waist twice.  She was in the zone.

 Getting more food at the market to make over an open fire.

Our day was awesome.  I miss the days at home with them so badly.  Thank goodness for today.  It was a great break from our routine...for all of us.  Today I am making a commitment to myself...my sanity...and my kids.  I will take regular vacation days to do our old "normal things" like a trip to the library, museum, out to lunch...whatever the day brings us.  Not all vacation days have to be for "vacations".  Or, maybe that is the point in itself.  Spending a fun day with my kids is the vacation.  

Still finding my way.  My balance.

My New Level of Perfection

Things aren't perfect.  They can't be.  Raising children is not an exact science.  We learn from imperfection.  We grow through our mistakes.  We are better parents for it.

I am learning to accept a new level of "perfection" as I make my way through my second month working full time outside of the home.  I have officially lowered my standards.  Don't get me wrong, I still want the best for my kids all the time.  We eat well, we care for them with all of our hearts...but I can't sweat the small stuff.

I'm writing today from the waiting room at dance class.  I call it the Thursday crazy rush.  A mad dash from work, to pick up both kids, and get to dance on time.  Quite a wacky race.  From here, we are headed to parent-teacher conferences.  The entire time I was racing from the office to school today I am telling myself...

It's dance class.  Not the Olympics.  She can be late.  It's not the end of the world.

We made it on time.  We rushed into the door, put on her ballet slippers and I began the full-on purse dump in search of a hair tie.  Not a single one in sight.  Not in her dance bag, my work bag, or my purse.  How could this be?  I was contemplating pulling the band holding my mess of a ponytail out (which I just could not bring myself to do...it's bad).  So, I came to the conclusion that I will just ask her teacher for one.  Admit that I am too crazy and unorganized today to follow the rules and have my daughter's hair completely pulled back...and ask for one.  Then I see her...my mom friend.  A beacon of light.  I ask her for a hair tie and the problem is solved.  Thank goodness for mom friends.  We have to have each other's backs.  It is a mode of survival.

The thing is...does it really matter?  I have found myself asking this question inside my busy mom guilt head every day.  Does it matter she didn't have a hair tie?  Not at all.  She will still have a wonderful time at dance today.  It has no bearing on her day.  Caring about it...that's on me.  I've decided to let it go. 

Myles's school called the other day because he was sure that he was supposed to be picked up that day and there was no note in his bag.  Our communication lines must have gotten crossed and he must have been confused (he was supposed to ride the bus - thus, no note), but does it even matter?  It's not like the bus dropped him off to an empty house.  Sure, they had to call me, but he got home safe and sound just fine.  It doesn't matter.  Let it go.

Things around me lately have been moving faster than they used to.  Sometimes I feel like I am on fast-forward.  In fact, I think I am even typing faster than normal right now.  It's my new current state and we are adapting.  It's working out perfectly...at least some new level of perfect.

It's Not a Sprint...It's a Marathon.

Jillian at Myles's basketball game.

So, over the last two weeks, I have come to the realization that working full time while being a mother and wife is not a sprint...it is a marathon.  I very well may have taken the first few miles out a little too fast...but I'm hoping to settle into a good pace this week.  (I won't mention that I have trained for two marathons and always have gotten hurt during the late weeks of training...  I now know that a half-marathon is my distance.  I'm just not cut out for the full.  This is where the analogy differs.  I can handle this.  I can handle this.  I can handle this.)

This morning, Jillian was weepy when I left for the day.  It is just so hard to leave.  That doesn't even mention the 6 a.m. wake up she had yelling, "Nooo!"  I ran in to check on her and see what was wrong.  She told me that she didn't want me to go to work today.  Thank goodness it was Sunday and I could promise her that I wasn't going.  The most interesting thing of all?  She has been doing better at school, breezing through her day with confidence, ever since I went back to work.  Mixed messages this girl is sending me, I tell you.

Myles asked me this weekend why I won't drop him off at school myself anymore.  So...let me get this straight...he goes to school all day, but is still upset...simply because of drop-off duty?!?

I've been trying to process through all of this over the last couple of weeks.  We are having growing pains over here.  I think we are going to make it through just fine, though.  I'm going to take a confident stand (because I need to for my own sanity) that their desire to have me home (even when they are not) comes from loving their mom and feeling safe to share their apprehensions about our changing daily schedule.  They both know that when push comes to shove, I'm there.  So, Jillian may be playing me a bit...but I'm going to humor her.  We are adjusting and finding our pace over here.

Despite changes in our days, everything was Zen this evening during game night (despite the girls losing).  The Battleship game came down to the smallest boat in the water.  Jillian and I lost.  Boo.  My favorite part...both kids going to the bathroom during the game and as Jillian walked out of the room she looked back and said, "Oh how funny!!  The parents are playing alone because the kids are both going potty!!!"

Love my family.

Hello, Friday!

I have found new appreciation for the weekend since I am back to work full time.  Makes sense…I had gotten really used to my double weekend life.  Really, we all should consider a Monday, Tuesday, Friday workweek.  Maybe the whole world should get on this plan.  Productivity?  Eh, it may be over-rated.  I digress, as usual.  I am thrilled that Friday has arrived.  I am flying over some mountainous range (I truly suck at geography – always have and always will) in route to my family.  My countdown that began at 4:35am on Monday morning is fast approaching it’s ending!  My week has been super-productive, but I am more that ready for dinner with my family, bedtime stories, and waking up to happy and smiling little faces.  Kudos to my husband, who seemed (at least from afar) to keep everything and everyone under control in my absence.  If you (for whatever reason) know otherwise, please don’t tell me.  I prefer ignorance over intelligence in this area.

Around our house, we try and make it a mission to find fun things to do as a family each weekend.  This weekend will definitely be no different!!  I am in the early navigational phases of balancing working five days a week and prioritizing the fun stuff to the top of the list each Saturday and Sunday.  This weekend should be no problem.  Despite my Type-A pull towards getting things done that may have piled up while I was gone (like laundry) there is nothing that I want more than to spend time with my family.  Laundry can wait!

So, I’ll finish this flight, hop on to another, and be home in time for Jillian to wake from her nap and Myles to get off the bus…and start this weekend.  Perfection.  In the meantime, I am working through making it the rest of this four-hour flight without being “that woman that went to the bathroom from the window seat twice.”  Figures, on the way here I was in Economy Plus on an aisle with no one in front of me…and I never had to go once.