Full Time....Double Time.

I have always said that working part-time was like working time and a half.  As a mom, you are always working, even if you are not with your kids.  You never stop thinking, worrying, and caring about them.  Add in working outside of the home part-time and that is how I arrive at my time and a half calculation.  Well, with this logic in mind...I'm about to embark on double time.  Full time mommy and full time outside of the home.

Fun in the snow.

Today, as the new year of 2013 started to set in, so did the commitment for full-time that I made before Christmas break.  I made the decision with confidence.  I negotiated the terms of my return to full time and I am confident (hopeful) that the decision is the best for our family.  Myles will not see any difference, since I will arrive home about the same time that he does from school each day.  My sweet Jillian is the one to get "pinched" with this decision and that is what has me teary today.  I've been home since December 21st for Christmas and frankly, I am getting used to it.  I feel like a college kid with the end of the summer looming.  It also feels reminiscent to this fall as we prepared for Myles to start kindergarten.  You know that in a few days, reality is about to change things.

I have not worked full time since before Myles was born.  Yet, my part time hours have been creeping up and up for months.  It becomes harder and harder each week to manage teleconferences and meeting schedules from home two days a week.  Many times, it isn't really a day off with my little girl.  It turns into a teleconference mega fest with laundry, projects, school pickups, and stressed momma face crammed into too few hours.

I'll be honest with you, I'm scared.  I don't know how this is going to turn out.  As with anything else, I'm going to give it my best effort and hope for success.  I pray that Jillian will adjust to an extra half day at school.  I'm so lucky that that is the only care that will be out of the ordinary for her, since I have such an amazing family.  My mom, Ben's mom, and my sister each take a day of the week to hang with my little Jilly-Boo.  Awesome.  I love knowing that she is having fun and is well cared for.

Jillian and Myles trying Kinect for the first time at Nana's for
New Years!  Notice the confetti?  Awesome.

I live my life with quite a bit of openness.  If you know me, you know about me.  Yet, for whatever reason, this decision that I have made has not been a topic of conversation beyond my immediate family.  Any time it comes up in conversation with them, I look for disapproving eyes.  Whether they are there or not, some sort of internal judgement is creating the need to explain and over-explain myself and my reasons why I made the decision.  Tonight I think I have figured out, I am over-explaining because I need to hear myself list the reasons each time I list them.  I need to remind myself of everything that went into my decision.  I'm not talking about it to my friends and family (outside of immediate family) because I don't need others weighing in on the decision.  Hearing the obvious questions about why I would give up the perfect situation of part time could send me into a spiral.  So, I'll just enjoy these last few days at home with extra hugs, kisses, and crafts (like our tie-dyeing adventure today) and walk into work on Monday with confidence (or I'll at least fake it).  We'll go from there.